The Undertaker and Kane: The Hell?
by checoBohen26
Summary: Wonder what Kane and Undertaker do in their spare time? Yeah me too. Follow their topsy turvy lives here!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _I couldn't ignore it,my mind was gonna explode if I didn't start this. I am always on the lookout for funny stories with Kane or Undertaker but I don't find many :/ Soooo..why not start my own! I warn you though..it probably won't be very funny.._

_Now if you have any ideas for what you would like Taker and Kane to do next,then just leave a review and I'll totally check them out(:_

_Here you goo..._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 1: The Movies<strong>

Kane began to growl while scrolling down the page trying to find a suitable movie for them to watch. It was actually for Undertaker to watch since he didn't get any say whatsoever.

"I really should consider setting him to flames.."

Taker,who was very much enjoying the show Cow and Chicken,turned around and gave Kane a swift smack to the head,"Stop talking to yourself and look for a movie I want to watch!"

"You ass! Why don't you look for one!" Kane stood up almost knocking the laptop over.

Taker who was appalled at how Kane was yelling at him for no reason stood up slowly and poked his little brother on the forehead.

"I am the deadman..the PHENOM! I take souls! I rip peoples throats out like the MacGruber guy with the bad haircut! How DARE you talk to me like that!"

"First,you aren't dead. Seco-"

"I AM DEAD! Hence DEADman!" Taker stomped his foot on the ground folding his tattooed sleeved arms over his broad chest.

Kane sighed heavily,"You are NOT DEAD Mark! How many times do I have to explain that its just a character you play for the company!"

Takers brows furrowed in confusion,"Who's Mark? I'm THE UNDERTAKER!"

"Oh for the love of god.." Kane whispered pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Look. Just go sit and watch Chicken butt or what-" SLAP!

"Its Cow and Chicken."

"Did you HAVE to slap me!" Kane sobbed his cheek while Taker smirked.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No- wait what am I doing? I'm not going to argue anymore with you."

"Good. Big brother wins again!" Taker ran around Kane and then went to sit on the couch to finish the rest of the show.

Kane shook his head,"I swear..I'm the only sane one.." Feeling a migraine come on,he walked to the bathroom and splashed his face with water. After composing himself he went and continued the search for a movie.

* * *

><p><em>Hours Later<em>

"I am the deadman..the PHENOM! I take souls! I rip peoples throats out like the MacGrub-"

"Sir what is the problem?" The manager of the theatre was called by the shaken teen boy behind the popcorn counter.

"Sorry there is no problem," Kane tried to pull his brother away but Taker stomped on his foot.

"Asshole.." Kane whispered wobbling to the side.

"There is a problem here. I deserve more popcorn and butter."

"It looks like you have enough the-"

"I DO NOT! I am an unsatisfied customer and want more popcorn with butter!" Undertaker huffed.

Kane just stood there watching this horrid situation unfold.

"Sir I cann-"

"Do you know who I am! I am the deadman..the PHENOM! I take souls! I rip peoples throats out-"

"OKAY sir here."

"And a pack of m&ms." The manager sighed heavily and agreed. Undertaker and Kane walked to their seats which were all the way in the back. Them being tall always caused a problem when they went to the movies.

"Want some?" Taker asked through a mouthful of popcorn and m&ms. Kane shrugged and reached for some but got his hand smacked very hard.

"Stop stealing MY food Kane!"

Kane was baffled,"You just ask-"

"SHUSH damnit the movie is starting!" Kane growled in response and sat back comfortably,closing his eyes. It was a bull crap movie anyway..who wants to watch Elouise at The Plaza!

* * *

><p><em>Some Odd Minutes Later<em>

"FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

"Wh-WHAT!" Kane stood up full force. He was in a deep sleep when he heard the all out outburst. People were running around and dropping their things along the way.

"Undertaker we gotta go there's a FIRE!" Kane took a hold of his brother but was yanked back.

"There's no fire Kane."

Confused beyond belief Kane replied,"But someone yelled fi-" Realization dawned on him.

"The HELL! We could go to jail for this shit!" Angry could not describe what Kane was feeling right now.

"Don't yell at me! I ran out of popcorn and needed some more! What else was I supposed to do!"

"Uh use your money to buy more!" Kane growled at his big brother.

"I ran out!"

"Then you could have asked me!"

"I stole yours." Undertaker avoided Kanes gaze.

"I had 100 dollars..." Kane checked his wallet finding an 'I'm sorry from Undertaker' note,"You SONOFABITCH!"

"Shit.." Undertaker ran out of the theatre with Kane in hot pursuit.

"I am going to KILL YOU!" Kane yelled.

* * *

><p><strong>AN 2:** _Oh boy! Taker is a handful huh? Poor Kane *pats his back* Remember send in what you would like to see Kane and Undertaker do next! (it can include them with any other superstars as well) =)_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N:** This probably isn't Halloweenish but it says Halloween like to or three times so yeah :D I just wathced Hocus Pocus and this popped in my head..don't know how it relates but well..it happens *shrugs* _

_I hope you enjoy! _

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2: Halloween<strong>

"Have you seen Undertaker anywhere?" Kane grew very worried. They had arrived to the arena for the next event together for the Halloween Special tonight. Undertaker of course couldn't say no because then he figured Kane could take him around afterwards to trick or treat.

"Nah man. Speaking of Undertaker though,do you want some of this apple?"

Kane slapped Big Show's apple to the ground.

"You don't have to be so mean!" Show yelled.

"Maybe you shouldn't be so stupid!" Kane huffed and walked away from a stomping Show. Dumbass apple. Dumbass Big Show. How the hell does Undertaker have to do with apples anyway?

"LEAVE MY THINGS ALONE TAKER!"

Kane recognized the voice and quickly followed the yell to Randy Ortons dressing room. When Randy spotted Kane he let out a huge breath of relief,"Thank god! Kane please tell your brother to get away from my personal things!"

"Just kick his ass out Orton." Kane was greeted with an evil glare.

"Do you think I'm stupid? He'll EAT ME ALIVE!" Randy yelled,the veins in his neck bulging.

"Who's eating who alive?"

The familiar voice brought some relief to Kane but one glance at his older brother he burst out laughing,his deep voice resonating throughout the dressing room and down the semi busy hallways.

"Its not funny Kane," Randy stomped impatiently,"I'm supposed to wear those tonight but now their infested with your brothers...danger zone!"

Kane laughed harder,losing his balance. Danger zone? That brought more tears to the larger mans eyes.

"Orton. I told you already that this will be my Halloween costume." Taker grabbed a water bottle from the mini fridge and sat down on the comfortable complimentary couch,"How do you expect me to get loads of candy with that damned black coat?"

Randy averted his eyes,"For all that is holy please close your legs! Those trunks aren't holding everything."

"Don't like. Don't look." Taker opened his legs more and took a long swig from the bottle.

"Just find something else to wear! Why,of all things my trunks!"

"CAUSE I. LOOK. HOT." Undertaker bellowed making Randy shut up immediately.

"Wh-Why," Kane wiped his eyes with the back of his hand,"are you wearing Orton's wrestling trunks?"

Taker was seriously getting sick of answering the same question over again. "Because,dear brother of mine, they make my ass and "danger zone" as Randy calls it,awesome."

"Taker. You look stupid. You are not getting any can-" Undertaker chucked the water bottle at his younger brother.

"The hell! You asshole!" Kane yelled,rubbing his head,"I'm just telling the truth!"

"Bite me Kane."

Kane gagged,"Not with those trunks on."

"So you would bite him if he was wearing something else?" Randy asked with a smirk. Kane punched him in the stomach,making Randy fall with a thud.

"I will NOT permit you to use violence on our fellow coworkers Kane!" Taker yelled and stood up,discreetly taking some of the trunks out of his butt.

"But he tried to make me look ga-"

"No back talk either! Mother did not raise us that way!" Kane was baffled. One minute Taker was sane,the next...

Undertaker then helped Randy off of the floor.

"Don't worry Randy. I'm gonna kick his ass for you."

Randy nodded,"Yeah. Well you can keep those trunks."

"I already told you they're mine!" Randy was punched to the ground again.

"I think you need a crazy doctor big brother." Kane shook his head and stared at Taker in disbelief,still rubbing the sore spot on his head where the bottle landed.

"You're just jealous of my danger zone in these amazingly tight trunks." Taker walked out of the dressing room,leaving a hurting Randy on the floor and very disgusted brother behind. He just wanted to get his match over with tonight so Kane could take him out and get some damned candy!

"Well at least my ass doesn't look like its chewing bubble gum!" Kane yelled loud enough for Undertaker to hear.

Kane was hit with another water bottle on the head. Same spot.

"Fruity asshole."

Suddenly trunks hit him smack on the face. The ones his brother was wearing.

"How does my danger zone smell and taste Kane!"

Kane ran after his nude brother with a horrible bitter taste in his mouth,"Im sending you straight to hell!"

* * *

><p><em>Reviews are greatly appreciated! :D<em>


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N** _I've been working on this for a while. I would start and then just stop for some reason..SO here goes another chapter in their crazy lives._

_If only it were true huh? Well I hope you enjoy and I welcome any suggestions for what should happen next. Sorry for any errors that you find btw._

_Love, Tanisha_

* * *

><p>"So you're telling me that I have to do the interview?"<p>

"Yes I am."

"Like...I have to have to do it?" Shane pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Yes you 'have to have to' do it." Undertaker furrowed his brow. He never did interviews...like ever.

"So like...I have to sit down and answer questions?"

"Yes," Shane replied through clenched teeth,"you have to sit down and answer questions Taker. My dad will suspend you for 60 days if you do not."

"So then I gotta do the interview?" Taker asked again.

Shane couldn't take it anymore. He was a business man! Why was he sitting here playing games when there were more important things he had to tend to?!

"YOU ARE A GROWN DAMN MAN UNDERTAKER! I WILL SAY THIS ONE TIME AND ONE TIME ONLY,DO THE FUCKIN' INTERVIEW!"

The vein on Shanes forehead threatened to pop. Undertaker wiped the spit that landed on his lip. Nobody had ever yelled at him like that...not even Kane. He crossed his arms and turned his back on the young McMahon.

"That," he sniffled,"hurt my feelings Shane. You didn't have to yell at me."

Shane sighed heavily. These group of wrestlers were just a bunch of babies.

"Don't start with your bullshit! Everytime I come to talk to you,you start with the sniffling and tears! Vince may fall for that crap,but I sure as hell won't so if you don't show up for the interview,don't try to show up to any more shows again!"

With that Shane slammed the door behind him and walked down the hall with a feeling of accomplishment. Well almost.

Kane walked past him and he knew he'd find Taker in tears.

"Gotta hide.."

* * *

><p>"Why the hell are you crying?"<p>

Taker just stood,hunched over obviously very hurt.

"Taker? Are you serious right now?" Kane had witnessed his brother cry a few times but that was usually when he watched The Notebook or if he saw a puppy..but there wasn't any puppy or sign of Ryan Gosling and his "shiny hair" as his brother would say, anywhere.

"S-Shane yelled AT ME!"

This was ridiculous. This proved he was the only man in the business. You would be surprised the countless times Kane found grown men crying for being yelled at.

"It couldnt have been that serious."

Taker grew angry,"Not that serious?! I am crying! He said I would be suspended if I didn't do an interview!"

Kane shook his head,"Listen. As long as he doesn't put his hands on you,then you should not be acting like this."

"Well...he did shove me a bit.." A little white lie wouldn't hurt a bit. It would hurt Shane, but it would be worth watching Kane beat the crap out of him for no reason.

"And you did nothing!?"

"How could I? As soon as he shoved me, he ran outta here as fast as a prostitute being chased by a pastor!"

Kane slid his hand down his face. Only Undertaker would say things like that.

"Which way did he go?"

"Uh," Undertaker opened his door,"that way."

"You just pointed to every direction." This was going to be a pain.

"I know. I'm not Sherlock Holmes. You figure it out." As soon as he said that Kane had the door slammed on his face.

"One of these days I'm going to suffocate him in his sleep."

* * *

><p>"He has this meeting with his dad I think." Kane watched, very bewildered, at how Randy Orton nonchalantly tried and failed to take his wedgie out.<p>

"Why don't you do that in private Orton?"

"Do what?" Randy asked very confused.

"Oh uh I don't know maybe shoving your entire hand up your ass to take out a wedgie."

"Hey you do not get to judge me! Do you think it's easy walking around here with my sexy self and try to ignore the literal pain in my ass from these tights!?" Kane started to back away because with every word that spewed out of Ortons mouth, he kept moving forward, not once taking his hand away from his butt.

"You, my friend, HAVE NO IDEA!" Randy stalked away very loudly making sure to shove anything close to him away.

"I swear," Kane started to walk toward Mr. McMahons office,"if I weren't getting paid I would have burned this place to the ground."

Kane didn't even have to knock, Vince opened the door with Shane right behind him, who immediately cowered in fear.

"Well fancy meeting you here Kane. Is there anything I can do for youpleasedonteatmeIdontwantt odie." Vince smiled sweetly.

"Excuse me what was that last part?"

"Please don't eat me."

"Why would I eat you Vince?" Not even the boss was right in the damn head.

"Your brother tried to yesterday." Kane should have guessed.

"Sir, whatever my brother does has nothing to do with me. Plus I only eat people who piss me off, he just does it for fun."

Without another word, Mr. McMahon ran away as fast as he could. In the meantime Shane started shaking when Kane shut the door and locked it.

"So a little birdie told me that you like to shove people and run away."

"Your brother is not a little birdie," Shane quickly covered his mouth,"I mean he-" Kane backed him up into the wall.

"I don't like people. I definitely do NOT like you so when I hear from my brother that you cursed at him and shoved him, I get pretty angry Shane."

"Oh no, what are you gonna do?!" Shane slowly sank to the ground while Kane hovered over him.

"The only thing to do."

"PLEASEDONTEATME!"

"Eat you? That wouldn't be fun. You would probably make me sick. I'm just going to shove my butt in your face."

"Wha-" It was too late. The big man had already begun the process of giving Shane a mouthful of ass.

Undertaker listened in from the hallway,"Yup. A little white lie wouldn't hurt anyone...but would give Shane a mouthful of Kanes ass."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N** _I enjoyed writing this so much! Especially since I've been having a very horrible summer so far. _

_Thank you AlKaholiK for the McDonald's idea!_

_I hope you enjoy this one, thank you for the reviews._

* * *

><p>"A negative 1 with a side of fries would be nice," Undertaker said without looking up. He was trying to figure out how someone could fit a dollar bill in the little donation box.<p>

"Sir we do not have a negative one. Please pick an order that is above me." The woman just stood behind the register, tapping the counter with her high priced overly exaggerated nails.

Taker was visibly confused,"There is a negative sign infront of the one so if you do not mind ma'am, I would like to have a NEGATIVE one with a side of fries. Oh and I want refills for the coke."

The woman dropped her head and sighed loudly, "Okay. Please point to me where the negative one order is sir and I will give you the entire meal for free."

She didn't have to tell the big man twice. He took advantage of the length of his legs and was able to cross over the counter very easily. Smiling widely, he pointed to the negative one. His deed was done.

"Sir. That is the computer monitor that the employees check to see what orders they have to get done. Now there is a long line. Either you act like a normal person or get the hell out."

Before she even finished her sentence, his smile faded and his chest began to go up and down rapidly. The woman did not budge.

"KANE! KANE! KANE! KANE! KANE!" It was a guarantee that no one had ever run fast enough in their entire lives. The woman still did not budge.

"WHAT IS GOING ON!?" Kane had managed to slide over the counter like in an action movie. He checked his large brother for wounds but couldn't find any.

"The hell are you yelling for!?"

"This damn woman will not give me my order!"

Kane turned around and found the woman getting the orders for everyone else who was waiting on line patiently. He walked toward her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Ma'am why won't you give-" SLAP!

"My name is Bonquifa!" Kane shrunk away wide-eyed.

"I didn't say it wasn't I w-wa-"

"W-Wa SHUT UP! Now will you two gigantors get away from my workplace and get in line please!"

Kane and Taker fumbled over each other trying to get over the counter and back on line before the lady yelled at them again.

Taker tapped his brother,"She is a very mean lady and I am very terrified."

"I am too! What did you do to get her so damn angry!?" Taker shrugged and Kane sighed heavily. They slowly walked to the counter since they were up next.

"May I help you?"

"Uh well my brother and I would like the number five-"

"No I want the negative one!"

The veins on Bonquifa's neck looked like it was going to pop any second.

"There is no negative numbered order here Taker."

"Yes there is!"

Kane folded his arms against his chest,"No there isn't!"

"Yes there is!"

"No there isn't!"

Bonquifa's eye started to twitch.

"Yes. There. Is," Taker said.

"No. There. Is. Not. I will prove it to you!" Kane crossed the counter like he did earlier and stood in front of the large sign showing the orders and combos. Without much effort he reached to the first order and what looked like a negative sign was just a freshly sprayed line of barbecue sauce next to the number one.

Taker had tears in his eyes.

"See," Kane said while licking his fingers.

Bonquifa started shaking.

Taker joined his brother over the counter again and decided to swipe his finger where the barbecue stain was and licked it too.

"Pretty good bro. Would be better with fries though," To Bonquifa's horror she watched the two men grab fistfuls of fries and shove it in their mouth.

Before the guys knew it, the lady started screaming on the top of her lungs, trashed the little donation box by the register and continuously threw everybody's food on the ground.

Taker and Kane watched while they had fries trying to escape from the corner of their mouths.

"Oh my gah. Bonquifa just lost her shit," Taker mumbled.

"Well our job is done here." Kane high-fived his brother and they both grabbed a bag and stuffed some food to their enjoyment.

"You know brother this is actually very fun." They both walked out of the McDonald's and headed to their truck parked out front. Before McDonalds they went to White Castle. They guy at the counter peed himself and started to hump whoever came in next.

"That's not the fun part actually," Taker said while getting a walkie-talkie out from the front of his jeans.

"Oh okay so you weren't happy to see Bonquifa then.." Kane whispered to himself.

"What?"

"Uh nothing. Now why do you need that?"

Taker just turned the knob and started going through some stations. It was just mainly static for a bit until they heard someone yelling.

"The lady behind- KSH -the counter just- KSH -lost her shit officer! KSHHH- Not the burger Bonquifa!"

The two brothers just burst out in laughter while they parked in front of the Burger King that happened to be next door. Today was the day that all the fast food chains were about to go to shit.

"May I help you sir?" A very large man with zits covering his face asked.

"Yes I would like to order the negative one with a side of fries." The zit-covered guy started breathing heavily.

Kane turned around and said,"It has begun."

"Who are you talking to?"

"The readers."

Taker looked around,"What readers?"

"The people who are reading this."

"Oh my gah, my brother just lost his shit."


End file.
